Yesterday, Kate Winslet (net worth $70 million) was given away by Leonardo DiCaprio (net worth $270 million) in her marriage to Ned Rocknroll. I know that sounds like a sentence straight out of Mad Libs: The Celebrity Edition! But it’s true.

Let’s get the basics out of the way. Ned Rocknroll is the nephew of Richard Branson, the billionaire founder of Virgin Group. This is Kate’s third marriage and his second. They met on a little place called Necker Island. Okay. Done.

So we are all collectively curious and not okay with this dude’s name, right? Well, I can officially let you know, with a heavy heart, that it is his real name. Ned Rocknroll, 34, changed his name from Abel Smith in 2008. Yes. You did that calculator math right. He was 30 years old when he changed his name. At the time he should have been doing the paperwork for a new IRA fund or something he was filling out name change papers. Because he thought it would be funny. And this is after he tried to change his name just to “Ned” but that wasn’t allowed.

Contrary to what his name would suggest, Ned Rocknroll is not affiliated with rock ‘n’ roll whatsoever. Instead, he works for the space-travel arm of his uncle’s conglomerate, Virgin Galactic, under the title Head of Marketing Promotion and Astronaut Experience. That’s right. He’s a businessman with a job title almost as ridiculous as his name. But apparently Kate is in the “What’s in a name?” camp and loves him anyway.

The wedding took place in a converted barn in New York and was so private that Kate and Ned’s parents didn’t even know about it. Kate’s kids were there, Ned’s brother was there. And of course, hopefully in a white-bowtied tux at the bottom of a sweeping oak staircase, there stood Leo. Waiting to walk Kate down the aisle.

I actually think it’s sweet that Leo gave Kate away. I love that they are good friends. BUT THE OTHER OPTION IS FOR YOU TWO TO JUST GET TOGETHER WITH EACH OTHER!! I mean, you’ve done it two other times in Titanic and Revolutionary Road. And a third if we count Titanic in 3D, which I will because that was an emotional roller coaster I felt like I was sitting on for the first time even though it was a re-release.

Come on, Kate. I was being kind up there in paragraphs one through four. Ned Rocknroll? Ned Rocknroll!?? Really? You’re cool with that? I mean, look, I appreciated your plucky follow-your-heart-social-station-be-damned attitude in Titanic (that was written for you fictionally and not real life but whatever). But this is too far!

I know you would never change your name, but what if you have kids? And then are your kids going to be named Rocknroll? Or Rocknroll-Winslet? Or Winslet-Rocknroll? Do you hear any viable option in that list? Because I don’t. I just hear the names of a sushi roll, a denim wash and a stripper, respectively.

Leo, baby, where were you on this one? Kate is the classiest of the classy in Hollywood. You couldn’t pull her aside for a cigar and an Old Fashioned and talk her out of this little walk down the misnomer aisle and sweep her off her feet yourself? You’re not much better. For a while you were dating a woman named Bar. So why don’t we raise the Bar for both you and Kate and just call it official, huh? It’s the only way my heart will go on.

MSP Primer sources certain data, including net worth, and premiere information from PopSugar and various other sites.

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