Deep in the heart of Los Angeles, California, is a mythical land filled with Halloween pumpkins, celebrity moms and their babies…and a shit-ton of photographers. It’s called Mr. Bones Pumpkin Patch, and every year it’s flooded with eager Hollywood moms who will stop at nothing to get the perfect pumpkin for their famous toddlers. And it doesn’t hurt that once you set foot in the gates, you’re pretty much guaranteed to get your picture in the tabloids. Preferably with your hand shielding your impossibly cute baby’s face so you can pretend you’re super disappointed to have your picture taken, even though it’s been scientifically proven that that’s why celebrities choose this pumpkin patch.

Because that’s the thing — this isn’t the only pumpkin patch in the world, or even in the state of California. In fact, you can grow pumpkins pretty much anywhere, and many people do! When I was a kid, we grew pumpkins in our own backyard, and when it came time to carve jack-o-lanterns at Halloween, that’s where we turned. Not some fancy-schmancy high-falutin’ celebrity victory garden where you can prance and dance your kid about for the cameras. No, pumpkin-carving is serious business. You pick the best pumpkin, you hoist it over your shoulder, and you get out of there. There’s no lolly-gagging or posing for publicity shots. You don’t get dressed up to go. You get your flannels on, your elbows out, and your serious, pumpkin-picking face on. And then you go out there and get down to business. You have to assume you’re gonna take a few hits to the face from other pumpkin-hunters, but you accept those as battle scars from a successful day out in the field. These celebrity kids don’t know how cushy they have it.

But scroll through our gallery, if you will, and take a gander at some amateur celebrity pumpkin hunters, who wouldn’t know how to harvest a primo j-lantern (industry talk for jack-o-lantern) if it bit them in the mouth.

MSP Primer sources certain data, including net worth, and premiere information from PopSugar and various other sites.

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