Girl Meets World finally premieres tonight. After hearing about thisBoy Meets World sequel for years, we’re finally getting to see it on our TVs. Even though I’m expecting it to be a huge disappointment that will ruin my entire childhood and force me into nostalgia-based therapy, I’m obviously still going to watch. After all, I do owe something to the show that gave me my first TV ladyboner — Mr. George Feeny. Can I get a hubba hubba up in here? (Also a walker, all these hubba hubbas totally tucker him out.)
While the rest of the world mailed their first Limited Too bras to Shawn Hunter, I had my eyes on only man. One very, very old man. I know, I can hear you muttering “sicko!” to yourself. But please, hear me out on why being attracted to Mr. Feeny actually makes total sense.
1. He likes cutesy nicknames
Everyone knows the best part of having a boyfriend is getting to call him things that make everyone who overhears you want to yak. You can say his nickname as loud and as many times as you want and he’ll never, ever get sick of it.
2. He has no issues saying the L-word
In fact, he has so few issues saying the L-word that he’ll say to everyone and everything. I love you too, desks. I love you too.
3. He looks real good in a sweater
There’s no point in having a boyfriend if you can’t dress him up like an LL Bean model in the fall and pretend he just got back from chopping wood.
4. He’s good at saying things that sound deep
The only thing better than a thoughtful boyfriend is one who speaks in thoughtful-sounding quotes.
5. He’s a wonderful dancer
Turtleneck? Check! Ironed Khakis? Check! Moves that make me want to make his babies? ALL THE CHECKS!
6. He’s spontaneous!
Yeah, I’d like to see his willy-nilly. In the woods. Without its clothes on. Mr. Turner can watch. (You know Mr. Turner’s a watcher. Also a surprisingly good custodial guardian for abandoned children with good hair.)
7. He hates divorce
A guy who hates divorce loves commitment by default. Even if your relationship hits rock bottom and you hate each other’s guts and the thought of seeing the other person naked makes you want to drive your car over a cliff, you’ll still be in a relationship. And that’s what it’s all about, right?
8. He’s understands that communication is key
Try giving this guy the silent treatment for forgetting your anniversary and/or forgetting to ask you how brunch with the girls went. He’s all like, “do you want to talk about it?” and you’re all like, “really baby?” and he’s all like, “it’s always advisable to keep the lines of communication open.”
10. He’s dangerous
Moooove over Danny Zuko, there’s a new bad apple in town. And this one comes with a gun. As well as years and years of wisdom. Also a group of children that he follows around from school to school to school.